God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
