The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
