All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Randomize
