You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
