I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
