I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Hippo gnu deer
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
