Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
