who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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