Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
