we have officially lost it.
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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