I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
