I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
