We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
