I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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