thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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