I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
BRING THE BAGELS
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
