I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
