I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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