Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
