i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets