Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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