I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
