cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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