Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
