remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
