how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
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We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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