i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
