just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
