I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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