so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
