and you said cock pushups were impossible
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
