yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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