We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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