my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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