just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
