I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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