I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
