the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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