I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
