Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm passing your future prison.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
