To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
