Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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