just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
