Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
