Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
