HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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