Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm sobbing to NWA
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
