I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
