I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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