just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
