I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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