Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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