onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
