I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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