dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
