Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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