Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
